the ties that bind

It was like a nightmare, a scene from hell, where she could only watch helplessly as Keeper’s soul was shredded by the winds of Oblivion. He was gone, beyond where any of the uji could reach him. This time, there would be no returning for Keeper of Forgotten Temples. He was just… gone.

********** ********** ***********

Sitting in the Devil-Tiger garden at the court, Zhizhu mused that grief was a strange thing. Every person reacted to it differently. Yuki had retreated into herself after Kiku’s death, yet when Keeper died, she lashed out. Flaring Grin was more self-contained, his pain evident but not consuming. Zhizhu assumed that Flaring Grin’s reaction was a more traditional Japanese reaction, despite her uji-mate’s more Western leanings.

As for herself… she found she reacted to grief by seeking solitude. It was an extremely personal sort of pain, although she had heard once that grief shared was grief halved. She did not shed many tears, but she didn’t feel comfortable shedding them in front of anybody. Not even her uji.

For all their differences, for all their fractiousness, the uji had solidified upon Keeper’s death. Nothing had been spoken, but Zhihzu knew the others had also felt those bonds strengthen. Strange that it had taken such tragedy and threat to show them what had been there for so long now.

She almost felt sorry for Thorn, drawn into this band of close-knit strangers. They were a family--even Usagi. Although the younger Thrashing Dragon was not officially a part of the Scouts, it was an unspoken assumption that only his passing of the Fire and Water test kept him from the uji.

She wondered if Keeper had known how much she did care for him. Regretfully, she decided that he had not. Shows of affection were not her way. Yet he had been like a brother, and she had never shown that in any way. The realization was an uncomfortable one. She assumed that Yuki, Flaring Grin, and Usagi also knew that she viewed them as family, that she cared deeply for them and would fight any foe for them. But how could she make such an assumption when she had never shown even a shred of her feelings?

It is just as well, her P’o answered. You leave yourself too open to them, you show too much weakness. It is better that they do not realize how weak you are to them.

That is not true. “Passions of the soul.” I didn’t realize what that encompassed, or how important it is. I have embraced Yin, I have hidden my emotions until I begin to doubt that they truly exist. That is no way for a Devil-Tiger to live. Emotion is like instinct, a central part of any person. There is strength is emotional bonds. My uji became even stronger in the face of grief and adversity.

Is this about your uji…. Or about Shin?

Zhizhu felt herself flush deeply. Why must it be about one or the other? Both influence my life.

But you aren’t fucking your uji.

No, I’m not. I’m fucking an attractive, extremely dangerous man. It’s just as much the danger as anything else that draws me to Shin.

Is that why you persist in leaving yourself completely vulnerable to him? For the thrill of it? I think not. You wanted to helpless. You wanted to know if he’d kill you when he had the chance. And now you are losing your head. It won't be long before you literally lose it, and you know it. There’s no way he’ll let you live if he ever comes across you and your victims.

You think I don’t know that?

I think you don’t care. You should kill him now, before he becomes a real threat. It would be easy… just kill him during sex. No weapons, you could just break his neck. Like you did with Yi.

No! I won’t kill him now, and you won’t either. I control you, not the other way around. You’d do well to remember that. You may be a part of me, but I WILL do things on my own terms!

You’re losing control.

No, I’m relinquishing control. There’s a difference. If I just sit back and observe life, never feeling, never living, I might as well join the Bone Flowers.

Her P'o was quiet after that, but she could feel it biding its time. It was always hovering there, like the spider she'd taken her name from. But she was a Devil-Tiger, and she was stronger than her demon. She wanted explore her feelings, to acknowledge them and revel in them. It would take time--she had wound herself in her own sorts of webs--but she felt a curious freedom in her decision.

She rose and left the garden, smiling.