Sex

It was early in the evening when Zhizhu realized that something was bothering her, and had been for the last few days. She’d done much introspection after her parting with Shin and the ling she subsequently experienced, but she hadn’t been able to put words to the little nagging feeling at the back of her mind.

It was a question, or rather, two questions that were linked together. Had her pain been only an illusion--had her feelings for Shin been only some sort of hormonal reaction, or perhaps merely an emotional response to just the sex? And could she still enjoy sex, or would she only see Shin’s face, only feel that ragged hole inside her heart?

Obviously, she’d have to fuck somebody to find out. She found herself reluctant to find some boy at a club. It was more important to her than that, and she felt that she should choose someone important as well. It would be better if there was some kind of pre-existing relationship, the better to gauge how the sex affected her.

Usagi was brought immediately to mind. He was not yet officially of her uji, but she still cared for him. She remembered when he had asked to pillow with her, something that even Flaring Grin had never directly asked her. Thought was mother to action, and she found herself dialing the court and asking for the Thrashing Dragon.

It was obvious to her after only an hour that she had both her answers. What she felt for Shin was not some physical response. She felt a sharp, sweet stab of pain. She knew that wound would never close, but it gave her a strength she’d never thought she possessed. It was nice to know that what she felt was genuine. As for the sex…well, she was more than happy to stay with Usagi until dawn.

She wasn’t sure why she asked him to stop when he woke her the next morning, his head between her legs. It was, perhaps, too intimate a thing to be woken by a sexual act. She cared for Usagi, yes, but not as a lover. It made her feel slightly uncomfortable to be so vulnerable to him, even after the previous evening. She hoped that she didn’t offend him, but what was done was done.

And now it was time to pursue her training. She left Usagi’s room with a small smile; and though she was not happy, she was at least feeling at peace. True happiness, like despair, was a luxury to be earned in the next life. But she was content, and ready to face the countless dusks ahead of her.