family matters, part two

Shard's self-isolation was somehow unsettling to Zhizhu. She wasn't sure why this was so, and sat to poke and prod her thoughts and feelings into order. It was not as if Shard had ever been overwhelmingly social. She sometimes seemed to wear her shyness as armor, except when she was around Kiku--or when she'd gotten so involved in some explanation or plan that she'd forgotten her timidity. Yet Shard had never before gone out of her way to avoid everyone for so long.

Zhizhu knew the other girl must still be grieving, though she retreated into her dharma's Black Metal Egg to do so. And Shard had been correct when she'd pointed out that Zhizhu had never known love, could never know the pain that accompanied the tragic end of that love. Zhizhu regretted her conversation with Shard; it had done neither of them any good.

She spent a few moments wishing she could take back the entire conversation, but allowed those thoughts to pass on. She couldn't take it back, and she wouldn't waste her time crying about it. She wanted to support her uji-mate, but didn't know how. She respected the other dharmas, and yet had almost berated Shard for following hers. She wished that Shard would accept the pain, make it a part of herself and thus grow stronger--but she could not expect a Bone Flower to let loose the Howl of the Devil-Tiger. Shard had her own road to walk, and Zhizhu needed to accept that.

What would the others think, if they could see into her thoughts? Would they believe that it was more than the bindings of ritual which held her to them? She smiled, a small, bitter thing. She could hear her shadow soul, felt the disdain of her darker self. If the others could hear you, they'd use your weaknesses against you. Or worse, they'd pity you, fool that you are. Why waste any time or energy worrying about them? You should be focusing on their weak spots. Play them like you all played the Amidas. Bring them under your control without them ever knowing you orchestrated the entire thing.

Shut. Up.

No! You've had plenty of chances to have this uji firmly under your bootheel, and you've discarded them all! I'll make you listen to me! I'll lay the traps and wait for them to blunder into my web!

She felt her P'o struggle for control, rising and ripping through to the forefront of her consciousness. This is my uji. You will not hurt them. You will not control them! It was like the fight with Tetsumiya all over again, except it was a purely mental battle. It was not claw versus sword; will was the weapon in this battle of her split soul.

WHY DO YOU CARE?! They are your uji only because you were all in the right place at the right time! The Court threw you together. They are only stepping stones!

No, they aren't. It doesn't matter why I care. Only that I do! The Court may have simply thrown us to together for their purposes. That doesn't matter either. You will not touch them. I would lay down my life for any of them--Keeper, Shard, or Flaring Grin. They may not know it--I may not show it--but they are what I never had in my First Breath.

And what is that?, the demon sneered.

She thought of her uji. Of Flaring Grin's compassion and laughter. Of Keeper's quiet strength and Shard's sweet shyness and sharp mind. And she thought she might understand what love was after all. My family.

She held back the raging force of her P'o. Had she been scarlet-cycled, she might have broken a sweat with the effort it cost her. But in the end, her demon-self slunk off into the shadows of her psyche.